home sweet arkansas.

i’m a military kid.  throughout my short 27 years i’ve lived in 4 states & 8 cities/towns.  for a while we moved every 3 years & while i really hated it when i was younger, i can see the value in it now.  my mom says that i’m over-adjusted because home is wherever i lay my head at night. 

there isn’t a specific geographic location that i long to visit during the holidays & i don’t care to move “back home” as i age.  i’ve been rather happy as a nomad, moving from place to place & never really connecting with anyone.  i have often prided myself on my ability to make friends wherever i land & leave without my heart strings tugging at me to stay.  i meet people i like, but it’s rare that i work to maintain those relationships once i leave.  as i’ve gotten older i’ve gained a few friends that will be there no matter how far i try to run.  these are the people i hold onto the tightest; they have made my nomadic life more difficult, but not immobile.

as i think back i can remember a few key moments in life when i really felt a home; really felt like i belonged:

when i was 13& he asked me to marry him for the hundredth time. 

at my senior prom, dancing with my high school boyfriend & all of our friends.

the summer of 2007 that i spent living in my sorority house.

dancing at winter formal with my twin sister & my best friend. 

the moment i met one of my best friends in graduate school.

just a couple of years ago, crying on the phone to my dad because all my friends from college were engaged & i had just ended a 2 year relationship.

i guess home, for me, hasn’t really been a place, it’s been more of a feeling.  it’s a feeling i’ve found in people & situations.  it’s been that little voice in my heart that says,

“this is exactly where you are supposed to be & who you are supposed to be with.”  

throughout my life these moments have been fleeting.  it’s not a feeling that stays with me for very long.  it’s been kind of like a cold breeze that brushes you at the perfect moment on a hot summer day – you relish in while it’s there & live waiting for its return.

it’s not something that’s ever bothered me.  as i said, i’ve been happy as a nomad.  i usually looked at “home” as a burden – all of my friends were so eager to move back home & i just wanted to see the world.  i didn’t have any strings that tied me anywhere.  i always thought i was more free.

& then home found me. 

at first i didn’t notice it.  it was small things like really loving my apartment & the weather.  i started to fall in love with fayetteville & the people here.  once fall hit & the leaves started to change i was sold; this is somewhere i could see myself for years in the future.  but i still didn’t realize that this was “home” for me.

we were in a meeting.  someone asked the question “what is your favorite time of year on campus?”  first someone said the fall & football season.  someone else said may.  then, michael, who was sitting across from me, said “i really like february.”  instinctively i said “oh that’s my birthday!”  without skipping a beat he said:

“oh it’s stephanie’s birthday!  that must be why i like it!  stephanie already lives every day like it’s a celebration, so i can only imagine how excited she’ll be when it’s her birthday!” 

& then he went on to actually answer the question.  but for me, that’s when it really clicked.  the u of a & fayetteville, ar is a place where i’ve always felt comfortable.  these people, the amazing people here, have always seen me for who i am & embraced me completely.  they appreciate my excitement for life, my creativity, & who i am.  i’ve never felt like i couldn’t be myself, not once.

 

it’s a feeling i’ve never felt before.  i like this feeling.  i like these strings.  this is home. 

as you start preparing for the holidays & the time with family, i urge you to find your home.  go to those people or that place & just sit for a moment.  soak up everything that’s going on around you.  appreciate the little things.  be thankful for big things.  remember, home isn’t easy to find & home isn’t everywhere.  if you haven’t found your home, keep looking.  if a nomad who never wanted a home can find one, so can you. 

& if home is where the heart is then mine is at the u of a.

we're doing it wrong.

i just think we're doing it wrong.

i was talking to a friend the other day & she told me that she read an article that said women are beginning to purchase their own engagement rings in order to get exactly what they want.

i watched a video on yahoo.com about a film director who created an elaborate engagement video & set-up  that the newscaster called "worthy of going viral" in order to propose to his girlfriend.

again, i'll say it; i just think we're doing it wrong.

as a generation, we've lost sight of what it means to get married.  now you might be thinking to yourself "but stephanie, you've never been engaged or married.  you're just jaded & you have no idea what it feels like to pick out the white dress, the flowers, or the catering menu.  you haven't been there."  i would have to agree with you, 100%.  i haven't been there & i have no idea what it feels like...but i still think we're doing it wrong.

getting engaged shouldn't be about the size of the diamond or the color of the gold.  it shouldn't be about the elaborate way that he/she proposed.  we shouldn't just be celebrating the engagement, we should be thinking about the marriage.  we've forgotten that proposals turn into marriages.

once upon a time i was head over heels in love.  i wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.  i was sure he was the one.  he took me to pick out an engagement ring & i knew exactly what i wanted, but if he had come to me with a rubber band & asked me to marry him i would've said yes.  if he had come to me empty handed & asked me to marry him i would've said yes.  the ring wasn't important to me, i just wanted him.  now he never did ask me to marry him, which i'm rather thankful for these days, but i learned how unimportant that piece of jewelry is to me.  its jewelry & it can be upgraded & you can be married without it.

look, i get it - no one wants to get left behind.  no one wants their friends to move one without them.  of the 3 close friends i had in college i'm the only one who still isn't married.  me.  i had so many dates in college.  i've had multiple serious boyfriends who have all taken me to look at engagement rings.  i've looked at engagement rings with more men than i'm proud to admit, thankfully no one has married me yet.  if someone had married me, i'd probably be divorced by now.

i'm only 27 years old & i know women younger than me who are divorced.  smart women, women who have goals & plans.  its like getting engaged & married is just something to check off the to do list.  & if we're going to do it, we're going to do it big.

why does a wedding need to cost $20,000?  why do you have to invite people you've never met or haven't spoken to in 5 years?  why?  maybe i just want simple things.

a wedding is just a day.  its one day.  we are so focused on the wedding that the marriage is completely forgotten about.  while i've never been married, my parents are both on their 3rd marriage & if i've learned anything from them its that marriage takes work.  the wedding is the easy part - but we're so focussed on making sure that its perfect that we forget that at the end of the night we'll be in a marriage.

if the man who wants to marry me wants to get married at the courthouse i'll only request that i can invite my parents & my sister.  it's just a day.  when a man i love proposes to me, i won't care how i become his wife as long as i get there.  but that may not be right for you & i'm not suggesting that it should be.

i'm not saying that your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't video tape the proposal or turn it into an elaborate production.  i'm not saying that your wedding shouldn't be perfect & that you shouldn't care about your dress or flowers.

i want you to get engaged & married for the right reasons.  i want you to marry someone who's your partner, the person who you know will stand by you right or wrong.  i want you to love them so much that it feels like they walk around with a piece of your heart.  i don't want you to get married just because everyone else is doing it.  it's not an item to just check off of the to do list.  i really want it to mean something to you.  i want it to be your forever.

dear howard.

dear howard,

i swear, sometimes you must look at me & think to yourself

" of all the people in all the world i ended up with this crazy ass woman.  why?  what have i done to deserve this?"

that's the look you give me anyway.  i'll never really know if its actually what you're thinking, but after this last year and a half with you i'm pretty sure i've got it right.

i adopted you from the no-kill shelter where your previous owners left you.  you were a little more than 5 years old & you could've cared less about me.  i saw you online & knew i had to meet you; your big pug eyes just gripped my heart.  when the volunteer brought you to meet me, you didn't even look at me, but i loved you instantly.

thanksgiving 2012.

for the first month, you threw up everywhere when i left you home alone.  you hated being alone.  for the first 6 months if i tried to step over you, you would jump and run away, like you were scared i was going to step on you.  the first time you saw me cry you walked by without acknowledging me.  it took you almost a year before you cared if i was crying.  now you'll at least lick my hand if i shed a tear.

our first year was also spent figuring out what you couldn't eat.  i fed you a tiny piece of cheese & we ended up at the emergency vet & you had to have intravenous fluids, prescription dog food &
prescription meds.  we found out that you can't have pretty much all people food.  you're allergic to most meats & grass.  you lick your paws religiously because i refuse to wipe them with baby wipes when you come in from outside.  you have acid reflux disease and you'll throw up at the drop of a hat.  sometimes it seems like you throw up more than a toddler; its often down the back of the couch, on the pillow, in the floor.  i dread the day that i wake up with vomit at my feet.

our time together hasn't been perfect.  there were many times that i wondered if i made the right decision, especially when a visit to the vet cost more than half of my bi-weekly salary.  i may have thought about giving you back for a split second...but thats all it was: a split second.  truth be told, i'm completely lost without you.

you've taught me patience; something i've never had before.  you've shown me that i'll probably actually be a really good parent someday.  you see the best in me, even when i can't see the best in myself.  to you i hung the moon & crafted the stars.  to you i can do no wrong.

i hope you know that you are the best decision i ever made;  the most rewarding $300 i ever spent.  i can't imagine my life without you.  you are my little buddy.

i'll always tell you that i love you 20 times a day & i'll always say it at the most random times.  i will continue to randomly wake you up in the middle of the night for a hug or a few cuddles & you can keep grumbling at me about it.  you are always going to lay in my spot when i'm trying to get into bed & i will always ask you to move.  you are always cutest first thing in the morning & on saturday afternoons when you lay in the sun.

we gotta stick together, me & you.  we're both a little broken, more damaged than most & we understand each other.  we're the most unlikely pair - like socks that don't match but go together just the same.

i promise to open the blinds every saturday so you can sunbathe.
i promise to always be there & never give up.
i promise you the best veterinary care i can find.
i'll always come back for you.
you'll always be my howard.

i know that someday you'll have to go see jesus & when that day comes, my heart will shatter.  i'll be a mess.  i grew up with dogs, but you're the first one i've picked for myself.  you took a chance on me & i will always be grateful.

when you're no longer here, my days won't make sense.  they will never be complete without the sound of your nails on the floor & your excitement when i grab your leash.  it'll take me a while to stop looking for you under the covers & see you burrowing out when you hear my keys.  i'll miss your excitement when i walk through the door after work - you get mad air when you're happy.  & oh your happy face!  i'll miss your happy face.

you're exactly what i wanted - a small black dog, but you've become so much more to me than that.

thank you for giving me a chance.  thank you for the last year & a half - i hope to have you in my life for at least 10 more.

i love you little buddy.

-mom

life is good.

so last week i was wondering through the bookstore with nicole.  i was in search of a t-shirt to give to a friend & this is what happened:

the clerk, austin (yes, i read his name tag), asked us if we need help finding something.

me:  yea.  where's your clearance rack?
austin: its right over here (he walked us to the rack). it's really small.
me: yea that's super small.
austin: yea & its not all on sale.  only tags with markings or stickers on them are on sale.
me: well, there's a red dot on your name tag.  are you on sale?
(at this point nicole started giggling & ran across the store)
austin: well yea!  (as he stretched out his arms & showcased himself)
& then he awkwardly walked away & i went in search of nicole.

i'm as surprised as you are that those words came out of my mouth.  it was just the perfect opportunity & the door had been opened so i just ran in.  he was cute...i just had to take it there.  i'm not even sure that it was something that i thought about really, it just happened.

let's think about this for a minute.  i asked the guy if he was on sale & he very enthusiastically said yes. this could just be him being a good salesman, or he could've totally been thinking:
she's cute & she just ran that awesome pick up line.  i'd hang with her.  
but did i ask him for his phone number?  did i give him mine?  no.  no i did not.

the stephanie of years ago would've asked for his number.  she would've written her number on a receipt & given it to him; that's what the younger version of me would've done.  it's the 21st century & men shouldn't have to do all the work.  there's a part of me that really believes that this is true.

but i'm so tired of doing it.  if a guy wants me, he'll come get me.  i've been pursued - i've told a guy no & had him call me until i said yes.  i've had a guy convince me to give him 1 date.  i've been there...its a nice place to be.

my life is amazing right now.  i couldn't be happier & i don't know if i've ever been in this place.  i'm completely content with evey aspect of my life & when people i know get engaged or married i'm genuinely happy for them.  for the first time, the first thought in my head isn't "geez.  when is it my turn?!"  i actually find myself being so happy for them & jumping up & down for them.  it's a really nice place to be.  as it is, my life is fulfilling & happy.  if i meet someone...great!  if i don't...that's cool too.  for the first time,  i'm fine either way.  i'm not going to count on a man to give me purpose or make me happy - i can do that for myself.

be thankful.

almost daily i open facebook & get a visit from the green-eyed monster.  someone else gets engaged or books a dream vacation & i'm still single & paying off student loans.  it's not always easy to be thankful for what you have when everyone else has things that you want.  

i don't want to get engaged 2 times before i get married, i just want to get engaged once.  i don't want an extravagant wedding that costs more than my car, i just want a marriage.  i don't need an expensive vacation out of the country, just a couple days off will do.  i feel like these are simple requests, but they just aren't happening for me right now.  i have to constantly remind myself not to compare my life to the lives of those around me.  i have so much to be thankful for.

first, i woke up this morning.  that doesn't happen for everyone, everyday.  i have a roof over my head, food in my fridge & a dog who thinks i hung the moon.  i'm blessed to have two really good friends who have always been in my corner - joe & cookie.  i met joe back in 2005 as a freshman in college & i met cookie in 2009 as a first year grad student.  cookie, her husband rodney & joe are like family.

joe, me, rodney, + cookie 2010.                     homecoming 2009.                          road trippin' to indiana 2007.     

its not every day that you find people who will stand by you even when you're wrong, who will call you & say "i know you're angry at the world right now, but it's going to get better & i still love you."  these are the kind of friends you keep for life & i'm lucky to have found mine already.

dad, me, johanna + mom 2011.

i haven't always been able to say that i love & adore my family.  i'm so thankful that i can say it now.  my mom, dad & sister are my backbone.  my mom is still my biggest fan & my dad is the only person who can mend my heart when its broken.  my sister is my other half - i was lucky to be born with my soulmate.  when i needed to move 1000 miles away & start a life for myself, on my own terms, these are the people who packed up the u-haul, jumped in the car & drove me across the country.  i wouldn't be the person i am today without the love, support & understanding i've received from my family.

i am so thankful to have had some truly amazing experiences.  i was blessed to have the opportunity to live & complete an internship in new york city.  i'm so thankful that i was raised in a military home & moving was just something we did - change was just part of life.  i've been blessed to receive a bachelors & a masters degree, even if i will be paying student loans until i die.  i'm so thankful for those student loans, because w/o them i wouldn't live every single day doing something that i truly love doing.

my lovely co-workers 2013.                       beaver, me, + jason 2013. 

i'm thankful that i'm so adventurous & that i made the decision to move over 1000 miles away.  moving to arkansas has proven to be the best thing that i have ever done.  i was so terrified - moving to a new state & starting a new job in a place where i didn't know a soul.  i've learned more about myself since the great relocation of 2013 than i thought possible.  i've surprised myself.  i am so thankful to work with an amazing group of people, who not only work together but genuinely like each other & i'm so blessed to call them friends.  they have truly made arkansas feel like home & for the first time in a long time i feel like i fit.  this is exactly where i'm meant to be right now.


so the next time you open up facebook & see that someone bought the car you really wanted or took the vacation to the bahamas that you deserve, take a minute to be thankful for how amazing your life is.  you may not have the money to take elaborate vacations, you may not be married to the perfect person or live in the perfect house but there's a lot to be thankful for.  you're alive.  you're you.  somebody loves you.  that's enough reason to celebrate.