dear howard.

dear howard,

i swear, sometimes you must look at me & think to yourself

" of all the people in all the world i ended up with this crazy ass woman.  why?  what have i done to deserve this?"

that's the look you give me anyway.  i'll never really know if its actually what you're thinking, but after this last year and a half with you i'm pretty sure i've got it right.

i adopted you from the no-kill shelter where your previous owners left you.  you were a little more than 5 years old & you could've cared less about me.  i saw you online & knew i had to meet you; your big pug eyes just gripped my heart.  when the volunteer brought you to meet me, you didn't even look at me, but i loved you instantly.

thanksgiving 2012.

for the first month, you threw up everywhere when i left you home alone.  you hated being alone.  for the first 6 months if i tried to step over you, you would jump and run away, like you were scared i was going to step on you.  the first time you saw me cry you walked by without acknowledging me.  it took you almost a year before you cared if i was crying.  now you'll at least lick my hand if i shed a tear.

our first year was also spent figuring out what you couldn't eat.  i fed you a tiny piece of cheese & we ended up at the emergency vet & you had to have intravenous fluids, prescription dog food &
prescription meds.  we found out that you can't have pretty much all people food.  you're allergic to most meats & grass.  you lick your paws religiously because i refuse to wipe them with baby wipes when you come in from outside.  you have acid reflux disease and you'll throw up at the drop of a hat.  sometimes it seems like you throw up more than a toddler; its often down the back of the couch, on the pillow, in the floor.  i dread the day that i wake up with vomit at my feet.

our time together hasn't been perfect.  there were many times that i wondered if i made the right decision, especially when a visit to the vet cost more than half of my bi-weekly salary.  i may have thought about giving you back for a split second...but thats all it was: a split second.  truth be told, i'm completely lost without you.

you've taught me patience; something i've never had before.  you've shown me that i'll probably actually be a really good parent someday.  you see the best in me, even when i can't see the best in myself.  to you i hung the moon & crafted the stars.  to you i can do no wrong.

i hope you know that you are the best decision i ever made;  the most rewarding $300 i ever spent.  i can't imagine my life without you.  you are my little buddy.

i'll always tell you that i love you 20 times a day & i'll always say it at the most random times.  i will continue to randomly wake you up in the middle of the night for a hug or a few cuddles & you can keep grumbling at me about it.  you are always going to lay in my spot when i'm trying to get into bed & i will always ask you to move.  you are always cutest first thing in the morning & on saturday afternoons when you lay in the sun.

we gotta stick together, me & you.  we're both a little broken, more damaged than most & we understand each other.  we're the most unlikely pair - like socks that don't match but go together just the same.

i promise to open the blinds every saturday so you can sunbathe.
i promise to always be there & never give up.
i promise you the best veterinary care i can find.
i'll always come back for you.
you'll always be my howard.

i know that someday you'll have to go see jesus & when that day comes, my heart will shatter.  i'll be a mess.  i grew up with dogs, but you're the first one i've picked for myself.  you took a chance on me & i will always be grateful.

when you're no longer here, my days won't make sense.  they will never be complete without the sound of your nails on the floor & your excitement when i grab your leash.  it'll take me a while to stop looking for you under the covers & see you burrowing out when you hear my keys.  i'll miss your excitement when i walk through the door after work - you get mad air when you're happy.  & oh your happy face!  i'll miss your happy face.

you're exactly what i wanted - a small black dog, but you've become so much more to me than that.

thank you for giving me a chance.  thank you for the last year & a half - i hope to have you in my life for at least 10 more.

i love you little buddy.

-mom

life is good.

so last week i was wondering through the bookstore with nicole.  i was in search of a t-shirt to give to a friend & this is what happened:

the clerk, austin (yes, i read his name tag), asked us if we need help finding something.

me:  yea.  where's your clearance rack?
austin: its right over here (he walked us to the rack). it's really small.
me: yea that's super small.
austin: yea & its not all on sale.  only tags with markings or stickers on them are on sale.
me: well, there's a red dot on your name tag.  are you on sale?
(at this point nicole started giggling & ran across the store)
austin: well yea!  (as he stretched out his arms & showcased himself)
& then he awkwardly walked away & i went in search of nicole.

i'm as surprised as you are that those words came out of my mouth.  it was just the perfect opportunity & the door had been opened so i just ran in.  he was cute...i just had to take it there.  i'm not even sure that it was something that i thought about really, it just happened.

let's think about this for a minute.  i asked the guy if he was on sale & he very enthusiastically said yes. this could just be him being a good salesman, or he could've totally been thinking:
she's cute & she just ran that awesome pick up line.  i'd hang with her.  
but did i ask him for his phone number?  did i give him mine?  no.  no i did not.

the stephanie of years ago would've asked for his number.  she would've written her number on a receipt & given it to him; that's what the younger version of me would've done.  it's the 21st century & men shouldn't have to do all the work.  there's a part of me that really believes that this is true.

but i'm so tired of doing it.  if a guy wants me, he'll come get me.  i've been pursued - i've told a guy no & had him call me until i said yes.  i've had a guy convince me to give him 1 date.  i've been there...its a nice place to be.

my life is amazing right now.  i couldn't be happier & i don't know if i've ever been in this place.  i'm completely content with evey aspect of my life & when people i know get engaged or married i'm genuinely happy for them.  for the first time, the first thought in my head isn't "geez.  when is it my turn?!"  i actually find myself being so happy for them & jumping up & down for them.  it's a really nice place to be.  as it is, my life is fulfilling & happy.  if i meet someone...great!  if i don't...that's cool too.  for the first time,  i'm fine either way.  i'm not going to count on a man to give me purpose or make me happy - i can do that for myself.

be thankful.

almost daily i open facebook & get a visit from the green-eyed monster.  someone else gets engaged or books a dream vacation & i'm still single & paying off student loans.  it's not always easy to be thankful for what you have when everyone else has things that you want.  

i don't want to get engaged 2 times before i get married, i just want to get engaged once.  i don't want an extravagant wedding that costs more than my car, i just want a marriage.  i don't need an expensive vacation out of the country, just a couple days off will do.  i feel like these are simple requests, but they just aren't happening for me right now.  i have to constantly remind myself not to compare my life to the lives of those around me.  i have so much to be thankful for.

first, i woke up this morning.  that doesn't happen for everyone, everyday.  i have a roof over my head, food in my fridge & a dog who thinks i hung the moon.  i'm blessed to have two really good friends who have always been in my corner - joe & cookie.  i met joe back in 2005 as a freshman in college & i met cookie in 2009 as a first year grad student.  cookie, her husband rodney & joe are like family.

joe, me, rodney, + cookie 2010.                     homecoming 2009.                          road trippin' to indiana 2007.     

its not every day that you find people who will stand by you even when you're wrong, who will call you & say "i know you're angry at the world right now, but it's going to get better & i still love you."  these are the kind of friends you keep for life & i'm lucky to have found mine already.

dad, me, johanna + mom 2011.

i haven't always been able to say that i love & adore my family.  i'm so thankful that i can say it now.  my mom, dad & sister are my backbone.  my mom is still my biggest fan & my dad is the only person who can mend my heart when its broken.  my sister is my other half - i was lucky to be born with my soulmate.  when i needed to move 1000 miles away & start a life for myself, on my own terms, these are the people who packed up the u-haul, jumped in the car & drove me across the country.  i wouldn't be the person i am today without the love, support & understanding i've received from my family.

i am so thankful to have had some truly amazing experiences.  i was blessed to have the opportunity to live & complete an internship in new york city.  i'm so thankful that i was raised in a military home & moving was just something we did - change was just part of life.  i've been blessed to receive a bachelors & a masters degree, even if i will be paying student loans until i die.  i'm so thankful for those student loans, because w/o them i wouldn't live every single day doing something that i truly love doing.

my lovely co-workers 2013.                       beaver, me, + jason 2013. 

i'm thankful that i'm so adventurous & that i made the decision to move over 1000 miles away.  moving to arkansas has proven to be the best thing that i have ever done.  i was so terrified - moving to a new state & starting a new job in a place where i didn't know a soul.  i've learned more about myself since the great relocation of 2013 than i thought possible.  i've surprised myself.  i am so thankful to work with an amazing group of people, who not only work together but genuinely like each other & i'm so blessed to call them friends.  they have truly made arkansas feel like home & for the first time in a long time i feel like i fit.  this is exactly where i'm meant to be right now.


so the next time you open up facebook & see that someone bought the car you really wanted or took the vacation to the bahamas that you deserve, take a minute to be thankful for how amazing your life is.  you may not have the money to take elaborate vacations, you may not be married to the perfect person or live in the perfect house but there's a lot to be thankful for.  you're alive.  you're you.  somebody loves you.  that's enough reason to celebrate.