home sweet arkansas.

i’m a military kid.  throughout my short 27 years i’ve lived in 4 states & 8 cities/towns.  for a while we moved every 3 years & while i really hated it when i was younger, i can see the value in it now.  my mom says that i’m over-adjusted because home is wherever i lay my head at night. 

there isn’t a specific geographic location that i long to visit during the holidays & i don’t care to move “back home” as i age.  i’ve been rather happy as a nomad, moving from place to place & never really connecting with anyone.  i have often prided myself on my ability to make friends wherever i land & leave without my heart strings tugging at me to stay.  i meet people i like, but it’s rare that i work to maintain those relationships once i leave.  as i’ve gotten older i’ve gained a few friends that will be there no matter how far i try to run.  these are the people i hold onto the tightest; they have made my nomadic life more difficult, but not immobile.

as i think back i can remember a few key moments in life when i really felt a home; really felt like i belonged:

when i was 13& he asked me to marry him for the hundredth time. 

at my senior prom, dancing with my high school boyfriend & all of our friends.

the summer of 2007 that i spent living in my sorority house.

dancing at winter formal with my twin sister & my best friend. 

the moment i met one of my best friends in graduate school.

just a couple of years ago, crying on the phone to my dad because all my friends from college were engaged & i had just ended a 2 year relationship.

i guess home, for me, hasn’t really been a place, it’s been more of a feeling.  it’s a feeling i’ve found in people & situations.  it’s been that little voice in my heart that says,

“this is exactly where you are supposed to be & who you are supposed to be with.”  

throughout my life these moments have been fleeting.  it’s not a feeling that stays with me for very long.  it’s been kind of like a cold breeze that brushes you at the perfect moment on a hot summer day – you relish in while it’s there & live waiting for its return.

it’s not something that’s ever bothered me.  as i said, i’ve been happy as a nomad.  i usually looked at “home” as a burden – all of my friends were so eager to move back home & i just wanted to see the world.  i didn’t have any strings that tied me anywhere.  i always thought i was more free.

& then home found me. 

at first i didn’t notice it.  it was small things like really loving my apartment & the weather.  i started to fall in love with fayetteville & the people here.  once fall hit & the leaves started to change i was sold; this is somewhere i could see myself for years in the future.  but i still didn’t realize that this was “home” for me.

we were in a meeting.  someone asked the question “what is your favorite time of year on campus?”  first someone said the fall & football season.  someone else said may.  then, michael, who was sitting across from me, said “i really like february.”  instinctively i said “oh that’s my birthday!”  without skipping a beat he said:

“oh it’s stephanie’s birthday!  that must be why i like it!  stephanie already lives every day like it’s a celebration, so i can only imagine how excited she’ll be when it’s her birthday!” 

& then he went on to actually answer the question.  but for me, that’s when it really clicked.  the u of a & fayetteville, ar is a place where i’ve always felt comfortable.  these people, the amazing people here, have always seen me for who i am & embraced me completely.  they appreciate my excitement for life, my creativity, & who i am.  i’ve never felt like i couldn’t be myself, not once.

 

it’s a feeling i’ve never felt before.  i like this feeling.  i like these strings.  this is home. 

as you start preparing for the holidays & the time with family, i urge you to find your home.  go to those people or that place & just sit for a moment.  soak up everything that’s going on around you.  appreciate the little things.  be thankful for big things.  remember, home isn’t easy to find & home isn’t everywhere.  if you haven’t found your home, keep looking.  if a nomad who never wanted a home can find one, so can you. 

& if home is where the heart is then mine is at the u of a.

we're doing it wrong.

i just think we're doing it wrong.

i was talking to a friend the other day & she told me that she read an article that said women are beginning to purchase their own engagement rings in order to get exactly what they want.

i watched a video on yahoo.com about a film director who created an elaborate engagement video & set-up  that the newscaster called "worthy of going viral" in order to propose to his girlfriend.

again, i'll say it; i just think we're doing it wrong.

as a generation, we've lost sight of what it means to get married.  now you might be thinking to yourself "but stephanie, you've never been engaged or married.  you're just jaded & you have no idea what it feels like to pick out the white dress, the flowers, or the catering menu.  you haven't been there."  i would have to agree with you, 100%.  i haven't been there & i have no idea what it feels like...but i still think we're doing it wrong.

getting engaged shouldn't be about the size of the diamond or the color of the gold.  it shouldn't be about the elaborate way that he/she proposed.  we shouldn't just be celebrating the engagement, we should be thinking about the marriage.  we've forgotten that proposals turn into marriages.

once upon a time i was head over heels in love.  i wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.  i was sure he was the one.  he took me to pick out an engagement ring & i knew exactly what i wanted, but if he had come to me with a rubber band & asked me to marry him i would've said yes.  if he had come to me empty handed & asked me to marry him i would've said yes.  the ring wasn't important to me, i just wanted him.  now he never did ask me to marry him, which i'm rather thankful for these days, but i learned how unimportant that piece of jewelry is to me.  its jewelry & it can be upgraded & you can be married without it.

look, i get it - no one wants to get left behind.  no one wants their friends to move one without them.  of the 3 close friends i had in college i'm the only one who still isn't married.  me.  i had so many dates in college.  i've had multiple serious boyfriends who have all taken me to look at engagement rings.  i've looked at engagement rings with more men than i'm proud to admit, thankfully no one has married me yet.  if someone had married me, i'd probably be divorced by now.

i'm only 27 years old & i know women younger than me who are divorced.  smart women, women who have goals & plans.  its like getting engaged & married is just something to check off the to do list.  & if we're going to do it, we're going to do it big.

why does a wedding need to cost $20,000?  why do you have to invite people you've never met or haven't spoken to in 5 years?  why?  maybe i just want simple things.

a wedding is just a day.  its one day.  we are so focused on the wedding that the marriage is completely forgotten about.  while i've never been married, my parents are both on their 3rd marriage & if i've learned anything from them its that marriage takes work.  the wedding is the easy part - but we're so focussed on making sure that its perfect that we forget that at the end of the night we'll be in a marriage.

if the man who wants to marry me wants to get married at the courthouse i'll only request that i can invite my parents & my sister.  it's just a day.  when a man i love proposes to me, i won't care how i become his wife as long as i get there.  but that may not be right for you & i'm not suggesting that it should be.

i'm not saying that your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't video tape the proposal or turn it into an elaborate production.  i'm not saying that your wedding shouldn't be perfect & that you shouldn't care about your dress or flowers.

i want you to get engaged & married for the right reasons.  i want you to marry someone who's your partner, the person who you know will stand by you right or wrong.  i want you to love them so much that it feels like they walk around with a piece of your heart.  i don't want you to get married just because everyone else is doing it.  it's not an item to just check off of the to do list.  i really want it to mean something to you.  i want it to be your forever.